WAKE UP
IT'S A RECESSION! MADONNA WHITE HAT
BRITNEY BLACK OUT
When you are in a recession, there's a delay before economists can make their proclamation because they must record two consecutive quarters of negative gross domestic product.
So while most of us have been revamping the r?sum?s and mourning our 401(k) losses, Monday it became official. The economy sucks.
As a public service, here are other revelations that may save you some time if you have been waiting for an official announcement.
Your clothes aren't shrinking; you're getting fatter.
The hamster hasn't been hibernating for two months; he's dead.
She didn't forget your birthday; she's trying to forget you.
Your letter-writing campaign is a bust; Jericho isn't returning to the TV lineup again.
STRATEGIES FOR BEATING THE RECESSION
Besides waiting for the new president to fix everything in January, you could:
Get appointed to a recently vacated governor's seat.
Give private lessons to NFL/NBA players on the proper way to carry a gun in your pants.
Go to grad school.
Rent out the extra bedroom before a kid returns to the nest.
Start a Spam farm.
Make Obama memorabilia.
Times must really be tough.
Britney Spears is wearing Madonna's hand-me-downs. In her Sticky & Sweet tour, Madonna has patented the ringmaster look:
Top hat, mesh top, hot pants, black bra, lace-up boots and fishnet hose. To promote her new CD, Circus, Britney has been all over the place in - you guessed it - top hat, mesh top, hot pants, black bra, lace-up boots and fishnet hose.
It's like they've been caught in one of those tabloid magazines that picture celebrities in the same outfit and asks, "Who Rocked It?" In this case, it's a draw. At 27, Britney looks more age appropriate. But 50-year-old Madonna has better arms. Yet we expected more creativity from Ms. Spears. Is this any way to stage a comeback?
...
OOPS AND OUCH
PLAXICO BURRESS
As we add New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the thigh, to the list of athletes' dunderheaded off-the-field injuries, let's review these unlucky 13:
1 Clint BarMes: While carrying a sack of deer meat up stairs, the Denver Rockies shortstop tripped and broke his collarbone.
2 Wade Boggs: Former Boston Red Sox third baseman fell while pulling on cowboy boots and bruised his ribs.
3 Marty Cordova: The Baltimore Orioles outfielder had to miss a game after he burned his face under tanning lamps.
4 Adam Eaton: While trying to unwrap a DVD, the Padres pitcher stabbed himself in the stomach.
5 Glenn Healy: The Toronto Maple Leafs goalie cut his thumb while disassembling vintage bagpipes.
6 Glenallen Hill: The Blue Jays outfielder suffered cuts when he fell out of bed and crashed into a glass table while having a nightmare about spiders.
7 Jimmie Johnson: The NASCAR driver broke his wrist when he fell out off the roof of a golf cart during a celebrity tournament.
8 Jeff Kent: Back when he was with the San Francisco Giants, he crashed and broke his wrist when he was performing wheelies on his motorcycle. The ex-Astros second-baseman first claimed he slipped while washing his truck.
9 Mike Matheny: Putting away a hunting knife, the Cardinals catcher cut two tendons in his hand.
10 Hunter Pence: The Houston Astros outfielder cut his hands and knees when he crashed through a sliding glass door.
11 Lionel Simmons: The Sacramento Kings player missed games due to tendinitis caused by playing video games.
12 Sammy Sosa: The Chicago slugger sneezed so hard he suffered back spasms and had to miss some games.
13 John Smoltz: It was a good story, but the pitcher said he didn't try to iron a shirt while he was still wearing it. He makes the list because people still ask him about it.
AN AFFINITY FOR ELF CULTURE
Note to networks:
A Christmas Eve marathon of Elf would be welcome competition for TBS' annual 24 hours of A Christmas Story, which starts at 8 p.m. Dec. 24.
JIM JONES IN THE NEWS
FRESH: SECURITY
DEADLINE OBAMA: Gen. Jim Jones has been named the president-elect's national security adviser.
STALE: HARLEM GANGSTER
EXPLICIT: Jim Jones' fourth album, Pray IV Reign, due in early 2009, has tracks that allude to his reported feuds with Cam'ron and Max B.
MOLDY: JONESTOWN
DRINK THE KOOL-AID: In November 1978, Jim Jones of the Peoples Temple and 900 of his followers committed suicide in Guyana. Charles Dharapak: associated pressBryan Bedder : Getty ImagesGreg Robinson : San Francisco Examiner
